halloween 2013: holidays suck

for someone who loves holidays and the spirit of celebrations, it took every ounce of energy in me to get this 2013 halloween on.
for weeks, sara has been riding me asking me when we are going to decorate our house, something we forever have done together as a family at the start of october. 
so when tuesday of this week came around, sara seemed a little bit lost - maybe it was because of her last gymnastics meet, or the "change in seasons," or frankly and probably, because she lost her daddy this year, and all of the fun halloween events we used to do as a family is now changed forever. 
on wednesday night while she was at practice, i tiresomely (and with some resentment) pulled down the heavy halloween holiday box. i yanked my inner spirit out to begin decorating our home. by the time she walked in she saw the lights and halloween collectibles, and perhaps maybe her spirit was ignited. she brushed off her excitement, and really didn't give me the time of day (i chalked it up to girl teenage hormones, but really that she was mad at me for it taking me so fucking long to pull that box down from high in the closet).
i knew i did her proud, because this morning she went back to the box and put her finishing touches on halloween in the cooper house.
so tomorrow i will pack all of that shit back into the orange tupperware box, up into the closet, until 2014. I'm thinking of preparing a little bit earlier for hannukah....especially because morgan mentioned this morning how much she loves hannukah and decorating our home for that holiday.

soulcycle mb's breakfast club class.

you're the prettiest girl i know!

so, i also worry about these things with morgan and sara:
not being able to trust
not being able to trust men
not being able to trust in love

i know my friends and family will tell me this is crazy thinking and remind me that my daughters will trust, will trust men, and will trust in love. but my people telling me this is just like your mom saying "you're the prettiest girl i know!" 

back to circuit works early

male energy

it was just what morgan and sara needed tonight. maybe me too.
jeffrey rake came over for dinner and spent time with us.
girls talked to him about school and homework (math and english), and friday night and music and TV.
we devoured the exceptional desserts he brought.
we dj-ed the cooper girl music video rotation currently in play - not sure if he ever voted which was his favorite, but we all oohed and aahed over this and that.
it felt so good to watch the girls and hear them interact with jeff. moods lightened up all around.
we're all so emotionally drained. even when we are at our "best."
there isn't a day that i don't worry about my daughters. 
i worry that they might follow in their dad's footsteps, which scares me so.

circuit works again tomorrow. cannot wait to "fall back." when the alarm goes off, it really does feel like it's the middle of the night.

faith

there are some days when i just feel like i don't know where i'm going in this life, and then i get a glimpse of some hope. it usually doesn't last too long, but today i saw it for a little while longer.

Tomorrow is Circuit Works early and then to Kinetic after drop-off.

challenging day

when I slept through the alarm clock this morning (and I never do that), i started this sunday very tense. i had to get the girls in two different places at the same time, and we were already 45 minutes behind.
needless to say, we figured it out, and after getting morgan to her sunday school teachers aide gig, sara, jilly, maguire and i hit starbucks and decided to just not try to do it all. as much as we wanted to volunteer and participate in the Hirshberg 5K today, it didn't happen.
trying to do it all made me feel so anxious, and one of my greatest (new, i have to add) attributes is in those moments, i stop and ask myself why. why must i be all, all the time.
on top of it, sara's gymnastics meet was tonight in pasadena.
she was nervous, and morgan and i were sooo tired; we put our best faces on (i hope) for her.
tonight's meet was the last preliminary for sectionals.
beam was first in rotation; she hadn't yet competed this level's routine, which includes a back walkover.
in her practice run through, she looked sharp. but took a fall off beam and scraped the side of her quad pretty badly (think rug burn - ouch).
tears in her eyes, limping off the mat, her coach helped her regroup. morgan and i could see from the sidelines that she was holding it together. her resolve is pretty fucking awesome.
she walked up to the beam, and saluted the judges. she went for it. her coach spotted her with the back walkover (which is a substantial deduction), but sara was determined to make this routine great, and no way, no how with that nasty injury, she didn't fall off. wobbles and all, sara's focus was intense and she finished with a dismount to be proud of.
sara still had 3 more events to compete, and she was really hurting.
she kept her composure and held her head high in every corner of the gym.
sadly, she did not qualify to move onto sectionals, and will not compete at the state meet.
sara was upset, her teammates & besties were supportive.
in the meantime, she will continue to train, and compete in a special gymnastics season...she will get her own routines including floor with personalized music and choreography.
she is so so excited for the next chapter (and so are we!!).

i'll be at soulcycle tomorrow a.m.

Walking & talking

Thank you to everyone who supported us today.
Lots of walking and talking.
But still at the end of the day, I was having a hard time believing that Glenn killed himself, and he is now a statistic.
Morgan and I are grateful to Sydney, Carol, Bruin, Beth & Elizabeth who walked by our side today, it meant so much to us.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

Walking with my Survivors After Suicide group tomorrow.

AFSP is an organization that one of the groupies works with and has done some fundraising for. He encouraged our group to walk with him this year.

Unlike my other journal entries, this one is a call out to my community to help me take some action.

To be honest, I am not sure how AFSP could have helped Glenn, but I do think it can help others.

I hope you will consider making a donation.

With love and gratitude, Sheryl

Make donation here.