Collecting and completing firsts

My personal collections are meaningful to me. Some are aesthetic, some emotional, and some are just frivolous.
I have always had a thing for hearts - heart shaped boxes, mirrors and jewelry (many thanks to Glenn).
I adore small birds (think songbirds, finches, etc), and if you look around my house, you will find little birdie tchotchkes (some from Paris) throughout my home.
I have a vintage rolling pin collection, menus from our favorite Parisian restaurants, antique mesh coin purses, music videos, songs, recipes (thanks to meal train, Bon Appetit, my work with CBS.com, Food Network), and now these digital journal pages, which reminded me everyday that I was living.
My most recent collection is the one I never ever wanted....wtfgc.
I was forced to face many firsts, and I've tried to capsulize in this final public journal entry (these are not in any particular order, and as I remember them, I will continue to update this list). I want to remember the pain, and the joyful moments, the cathartic and the suffering. It's my way of memorializing this single year.

- Telling my kids their daddy is dead.
- Explaining to Morgan & Sara their daddy killed himself...with a gun...shot himself in the head.
- Picking clothes for Glenn to wear at his funeral.
- Feeling changed forever
- Cemetary.
- Seeing my husband laying dead in a coffin.
- Yartzheit candles...buying them and lighting them.
- Kaddish.
- Attended a funeral for Glenn Howard Cooper.
- Saying goodbye.
- Stopped wearing my wedding band and engagement ring.
- Going through Glenn's personals and clothes.
- Giving his things away to people he loved.
- Drinking.
- Drinking scotch.
- Drinking vodka.
- Drinking tequila.
- Drinking gin.
- Drinking bourbon.
- Drinking more scotch.
- Went to the LA County Coroners office.
- Called 911.
- Going to Temple.
- Sitting shiva for my dead husband.
- Shabbat.
- Cooking dinner for 3.
- Cooking for my friends.
- Going to the grocery store by myself....self check-out hell.
- Going out to a restaurant for a meal.
- Napping.
- Cabo San Lucas
- Canyon Ranch.
- Lake Arrowhead
- NYC
- Palm Springs.
- Dealing with the cars.
- Taking Agi to the ER.
- Making decision to let Agi go...
- ...and whispering to her to ask Daddy what the fuck!?
- Holidays.
- Valentine's Day.
- Passover.
- Mother's Day.
- Father's Day.
- Glenn's birthday.
- Fourth of July
- Sara's 13th birthday.
- Sara and Jane's bat mitzvah, and all of the shit which came with that.
- Rosh Hashana
- Yom Kippur
- Planning an unveiling
- Private unveiling for us
- Unveiling with friends and family
- My birthday
- Our wedding anniversary
- Morgan 16th birthday
- Morgan's Sweet16
- Sitting in the passenger seat while my daughter is driving
- Attended social events alone.
- Attended family events alone.
- Not kissing Glenn on NYE.
- Wearing makeup
- Learning how to do the honey-dos: the pool, the jacuzzi, the sprinklers, the water heater, working the TVs, washer/dryer, lightbulbs, hanging pictures, dealing with the cars, 
- Making new friends.
- Maintaining old friends.
- Re-discovering old friends.
- Individual therapy
- Group therapy
- Spiritual therapy
- Business therapy
- Retail therapy
- Drinking therapy
- So much fucking therapy
- Lash tinting
- Scandal, Downton Abbey, Orange is the New Black, House of Cards, Will & Grace, Everybody Loves Raymond
- Watching a movie.
- Seeing a movie in the theatre.
- Crying in a movie.
- Matinees
- Pitying myself.
- Peptalking to myself
- Taking care of myself.
- Feeling crazy.
- Acting crazy.
- Come home....to nobody...no one to ever check-in with.
- Hating the bank.
- Making friends at the bank.
- Crying in the bank.
- Knowing, believing and being okay.
- Losing my virginity...again.
- Fucking.
- Making out in a bar.
- Entering a new phase of grieving.
- Giving a blow job.
- Going on (secret) dates.
- Black widow haircut and color
- La Perla
- Signing Cooper Properties checks.
- Checking the "widow" box
- Seeing the world through a widow's eyes.
- Channeling my inner Blamantha (Blanche/Golden Girls & Samantha/Sex in the City)
- Second tattoo
- Unexpected crying: in the car, in the shower, on Montana Ave., in the mall, in CVS, in multiple parking lots throughout L.A., on the spin bike, on the treadmill, on my yoga mat, at the car wash, in restaurants, in Morgan's bed, in Sara's bed, in my bed, in temple, at Alonim, in Rabbi's office, in Healing Touch service, in massage, in SAMOHI gym
- Dodger game
- Getting sick.
- Driving carpool to school, to gym, to cheer, to anywhere the girls needed to be
- Asking for help.
- Saying yes.
- No.
- Not knowing what I need.
- Knowing what is good for me.
- Pursuing what is good for me.
- Understanding and not understanding.
- Living without answers.
- Having fun.
- Fantasizing.
- Imagining.
- Feeling hopeful.
- Losing faith.
- Regaining faith.
- Wanting more.
- Driving the boat.
- Saying goodbye to Arrowhead.
- Going out on a school night.
- Hollywood Bowl.
- Farmer's Market.
- Feeling my feet hit the treadmill.
- Waking up alone.
- Sleepovers.
- Dance class.
- Telling a stranger how my husband died.
- Seeking my higher self...whatever that means.

Foo Fighters - Walk

Phil Collins - Against All Odds

eternally grateful

a year of friendships and relationships, whether strengthened or severed, i/we don't have quite the right words of what to say to our amazing community - but we love you. 
you pulled us out of the dark, when we felt most alone.
you fed us with food and love.
your daily emails, phone calls and texts reminded us we do have people.
your legs and arms that moved for us when we couldn't, made us strong so we could move on our own.
your presence during our darkest hours, the boring daily moments in our lives, and the celebrations we (sometimes with struggle) hosted, let us know how much you truly cared for our family of three.
you opened your hearts, and homes, and cars. you took us in. you played with us. made us laugh - all of that gave us the courage to live our lives.
your honesty and authentic selves reflected ours.
how do we ever thank you? 
morgan, sara and i will live. we will continue to work hard at being our best selves. we commit to living fully, authentically, individually, responsibly.
we can only hope to show up for you like you have for us.
all our love and gratitude,
sheryl

jan 3, 2014

here i am.
here we are.

2:52am

wide awake.
ugh.

sara is snuggled up close to me.
i can feel how her body is mostly relaxed.
needing to be so close to me.

spinning thoughts

one year ago.
normal morning.
run.
ed.
morgan.
stairs.
hollye.
news. cnn. newspaper.
talk plans for next week.
oatmeal.
yogurt and granola.

(i can't remember)

office.
new hair gel.
brief vacation discussion.
11:30-ish/Noon
"going to walk and clear my head"
"okay. see you later"
"see ya" (i think)

(i can't remember)

1:30pm.
where are you?
looking out at the ocean
good. just wanted to check in.

2:50pm.
did you leave money for karla?
yep.

confirmed plans with paula to meet up at casa del mar at 5pm.
walk with connie.
"weird that i haven't heard back from glenn."
phone call to his cell.
no answer.
"he better not be jumping off a cliff."
"no he wouldn't do that."
"where the fuck is he? i'm gonna give him a half hour more to hear from him, and i'll call todd or justin."

4:15pm. 
called todd.
"is glenn with you?" "i'm worried." "please go look for him. he went to take a walk up westridge." "i'm so scared." "this isn't right."
called justin.
"is glenn with you?" "he has been out of touch with me for a few hours." "will you call raphael and ask if he has heard from glenn?"

called glenn's cell phone for the next 2 hours. rang and rang. eventually phone went immediately to voice mail.

5pm.
sent sandra home.
sent connie and ed to meet paula.
explained to girls that daddy went on a walk. it is now dark, and maybe he got lost in westridge.
made some light hearted funnies about their kinda-dumb dad who would get lost in the mountains. only daddy.
hollye came over.
donald and hollye held my hand through every step.
called police. reported that my husband is missing.
todd, jackson, michael, kevin, grant on the hunt.

6:45pm.
connie, ed and paula returned from casa del mar.
gun case found in glenn's car trunk.
interviewed by police.
"no we don't own a gun." "i last heard from him at around 3pm." "no, he wasn't hiking. he went on a walk to clear his head." "i don't think he was suicidal." "please, i'm so scared. don't leave me alone on the phone." "you are sending helicopters to look for him?" "it's so cold. will he be okay?"

called glenn's cell. "honey, i'm calling to tell you i love you. the police are looking for you. look up in the sky for the choppers. they are coming to help you. i love you."

if he is fucking stoned, and lost his way, or fell off the path, i'm gonna kill him.

not sure of the time.
amy came over.
took care of feeding the girls. dumb tv, and toast for them.

house was freezing.
shivering.
"am i about to plan a funeral?"

on the phone with todd: "i don't want the police to tell me he is dead. i want you to tell me."

called cary. "sher, he would never own a gun. he would never do that."
"i'm gonna kill him if he killed himself."
marsha called.
hollye, amy, connie made calls and updates to jen and cary.

shallow breathing.
shivering.
funeral.
funeral.
funeral.
wtf.
body id'ed
todd. grant. kevin.
crying.
crying.
howling.
shivering.
wtf.
wtf.
what happened?
what just happened?
"i have to tell the girls."
more phone calls.
cindy, michael, stephanie, jake.
numb.
wtf.
wtf.
what the fuck.
fuck.

hanukkah gift from morgan & sara

(the story of my life, by one direction- get your adobe flash player on or go to your fucking desktop, losers, if can't open this)

Still

The first thing I think of every time I wake up is my reality. Glenn is not here anymore.

NYE

in palm desert with this mashaganah group of friends that we have.
it's a house of nuts, i tell you.
but it's the same group who was together last year, the year before, etc.
kids are up to their shenanigans and definitely plan to stay up way past midnight, which may be much later than the adults here.
my only big loss for the night is kissing glenn in 2014. 
i guess that is just how it is going to be forever.
but that doesn't mean i won't be kissing someone digitally tonight.
xx