the widow's cooler

i felt the loss today not seeing the cooler on my doorstep.
it felt similar to the day i stopped wearing my wedding ring.
one more way i am dealing with the loss of glenn.

tonight we were at dodger stadium cheering jackson grayson and his harvard westlake baseball team in the championship game. HW won! and the crowd went crazy with excitement after jackson (LF) threw his opponent out at home. really really outstanding. (glenn would have been so excited). it was cool to be there.

ugh. just tried to sign up for 7a burn60 but there is a huge wait list. oh well. it will be 7a cw instead.

one last meal

when i realized who was hosting our last mealtrain, it was all too appropriate in my mind. arthur and carrie - my camp director and my camp art director, respectively. they knew me before glenn and today, they know me after glenn. arthur and carrie were like camp godparents - keeping an eye on you from afar, but always in touch, and no matter when i saw them throughout all of these years, i always felt so connected. 

arthur's cottage pie and carrie's angel cookies were both comforting and scrumptious. 

so today as i reflect on these last 5 months i've put together this list of ideas, lessons and experiences.

being mom is number one

being good to myself is also number one - when i take care of me, i am a better mom

saying no and saying yes are both good for the new structure of my family

learning to let trust in with caution

community/village is a such a good thing

continue to build a virtual library of sources

soups, turkey meatloaf, bread and cookies freeze well (i'm stockpiling for the summer :)

having faith in my honesty

opening my heart to being loved

when i feel vulnerable i protect myself

truly realizing this time around that family labels are just that, and what is more important is the relationship and actions behind my people

hopeful that my journal can inspire, motivate and help

my pace is the right pace for me

my daughters are individuals and they are on their own pace

santa monica farmers market fare is beautiful

questioning other people's motives is okay

better than best is how i describe my friends

at the end of the day, i'm not interested in hiding from myself

i don't have to own other people's problems or busy-ness so it's okay to tune those people out right now

little to-dos which often feel like big ones can be accomplished in due time - no need to put extra pressure or urgency on myself

i'm not obligated to answer "how are you"

i'm not glenn and i don't aspire to fill his shoes

i love meditteranean, israeli, persian food and its robust flavors

working out is just another metaphor for living life - keeps me moving forward

relying on morgan and sara who are true partners in this household

continue to believe in personal accountability

see's scotchmallows can pretty much cure the blues, along with a dark&stormy

pizza soup, quinao lasagna, turkey meatballs, chili, ribs, lentil soups, chicken enchiladas, breakfast for dinner, salmon & veggies, chinese chicken salad, tamales and chicken pot pie, brisket, deli, chicken - every possible dish conceivable, sushi, pizza, shrimps, tacos, kale salads, and so much more -- LOVE you all.

mt and my community helped me to get back on my feet, to navigate through such a big world, to trust, to not feel so alone on the darkest of days, and to look forward to another day.

so, i'm still working out the kinks but here is the link for my new space (still need to transfer old mt posts onto this..):

http://wtfgc.blogspot.com/

heading to YAS tomorrow with Suzanne and pals to try their 5:30a spin/yoga.

a dream

glenn came back to life in my dream.
i had so many questions for him but all i could spit out was to ask him where he put "x". i don't even remember what i actually asked him. i was aware that the question was not very meaningful.
the question seemed more to have a regular conservation than a question seeking answers.
the painful part of the dream was knowing he will never come back.

"How not to do the wrong thing" article that makes a lot of sense

http://eedition2.latimes.com/Olive/ODE/LATimes/LandingPage/LandingPage.aspx?href=TEFULzIwMTMvMDQvMDc.&pageno=MjY.&entity=QXIwMjYwMQ..&view=ZW50aXR5

How not to do the wrong thing

It works for all kinds of crises — medical, legal, even existential. It’s the ‘Ring Theory’ of kvetching. The first rule is comfort in, dump out.

By Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

   WHEN SUSAN had breast cancer, we heardalotoflame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan’s colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn’t feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague’s response? “This isn’t just about you.”

   “It’s not?” Susan wondered. “My breast cancer is not about me? It’s about you?”

   The same theme came up again when our friend Katie had a brain aneurysm. She was in intensive care for a long time and finally got out and into a step-down unit. She was no longer covered with tubes and lines and monitors, but she was still in rough shape. A friend came and saw her and then stepped into the hall with Katie’s husband, Pat. “Iwasn’tpreparedforthis,”shetold him. “I don’t know if I can handle it.”

   This woman loves Katie, and she said what she did because the sight of Katie in this condition moved her so deeply. But it was the wrong thing to say. And it was wrong in the same way Susan’s colleague’s remark was wrong.

   Susan has since developed a simple technique to help people avoid this mistake. It works for all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential. She calls it the Ring Theory.

   Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie’s aneurysm, that’s Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie’s aneurysm, that was Katie’s husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of Susan’s patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator.

   Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.

   Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

   When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you’re going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn’t, don’t say it. Don’t, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don’t need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, “I’m sorry” or “This must really be hard for you” or “Can I bring you a pot roast?” Don’t say, “You should hear what happened to me” or “Here’s what I would do if I were you.” And don’t say, “This is really bringing me down.”

   If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that’s fine. It’s a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.

   Comfort IN, dump OUT.

   There was nothing wrong with Katie’s friend saying she was not prepared for how horrible Katie looked, or even that she didn’t think she could handle it. The mistake was that she said those things to Pat. She dumped IN.

   Complaining to someone in a smaller ring than yours doesn’t do either of you any good. On the other hand, being supportive to her principal caregiver may be the best thing you can do for the patient.

   Most of us know this. Almost nobody would complain to the patient about how rotten she looks. Almost no one would say that looking at her makes them think of the fragility of life and their own closeness to death. In other words, we know enough not to dump into the center ring. Ring Theory merely expands that intuition and makes it more concrete: Don’t just avoid dumping into the center ring, avoid dumping into any ring smaller than your own.

   Remember, you can say whatever you want if you just wait until you’re talking to someone in a larger ring than yours.

   And don’t worry. You’ll get your turn in the center ring. You can count on that.

   SUSAN SILK is a clinical psychologist. BARRY GOLDMAN is an arbitrator and mediator and the author of “The Science of Settlement: Ideas for Negotiators.”

WES BAUSMITH Los Angeles Times

quote

"Life changes fast.  Life changes in an instant.  You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends."  

-- Joan Didion