june 30

the night before glenn's birthday
2 days before alonim drop-off
5 days til canyon ranch

swimming laps tomorrow at noon with the smallies.

happy birthday matt marsh

yoga this morning was exactly what my body needed - it helped me feel more restored and grounded. and yay, sara & connie joined us too. sara is super flexible and it was so easy for her to flow into bird of paradise and slide into her splits.

tonight was all about celebrating matt's birthday, hosted by his wife and my wonderful friend michelle. the party highlights for me:

sitting next to the birthday boy, of course

dinner at crustacean

lavender mojitos

an's famous roasted dungeness crab

hanging with steph & jake

the fact that the restaurant was packed downstairs because music peeps were pre-partying for the BET Awards (to air tomorrow night) 

Cee-Lo was in the house 

the weirdest part of the evening was when we began to sit around the table and the woman next to me asked  if my better half was joining, and all i could muster up was a polite no. i mean, what was i going to say? uh, no, actually my husband shot himself in the head this past january. i didn't want to kill my mojito buzz.

spinning in the 8a kinetic class with h, p and e.

the run - part 2

it has been an emotional rollercoaster this past week going from the bat mitzvah to the lake arrowhead house. we shared some hugs and tears as sara locked up the arrowhead house today, and not more than 5 minutes after driving away, the girls were already chattering away about camp and how excited they are.

tonight we are happy to be back in our santa monica nest again.

this morning ed and i hit the trail again.
i felt so much slower than i did on wednesday, but my time was pretty consistent.
after ed probably figured out that i wasn't scared of bears (on our first run he yelled "bear" to motivate me to catch up to him and well, that didn't really work), every 10 minutes or so he called out to make sure i was okay. we were a good team.

i did stumble on the trail today, first time ever. i didn't get hurt, but it startled me. my hands caught my fall and i have minor scratches to show for it.  my head was so foggy thinking about how glenn didn't really know how to cope with life's downs and flats. he only seemed to know what to do in the up moments. i know that he started the process more recently in his life, but he definitely resisted looking too deep within. it's one thing to analyze and talk about other people's flaws or problems, but facing your own, learning to understand them, and ultimately having the awareness to change or accept is being most true to yourself.

my ultimate goal as a mom is to give my daughters the foundation of how to cope in life and allow them to face both good and bad. my biggest fear right now is that they will fall into their father's footsteps.

going to the 7a yogahop class tomorrow with paula (and maybe connie : )

arrowhead day 3

today was probably the most trying so far since we arrived.
morgan was having a hard time being at the house without glenn, while it seemed like sara was channeling her shit-eating-grin dad.
and me? i fucking drove the boat.
thank god for ed who was my co-captain. he parked the boat, but i drove it around the lake all day. i even pushed on the throttle for speed and i think i actually liked it. the passengers sure did.

in every aspect of my life my roles have shifted (in such an enormous way) that i don't recognize myself.

arrowhead day 2

the morning began with "the run";
the run that glenn took me on hundreds of times, today i ran it with ed.
all i could think about was the endless conversations, arguments, fights, cold shoulders, dreams and fears we shared, hungover and flirtatious dialogues we exchanged on that trail from the arrowhead house to the marina. 45 minutes of uphill and downhill, always interesting and what i believed was always honest. i had second thoughts today.
what did i miss most? glenn being glenn. sprinting ahead of me to show off, catcalling at my ass, motivating me when i was dragging behind.

planning to kick that trail's ass on friday at 8:30a.

arrowhead day 1

the drive up the hill flooded me with memories - so many trips with glenn and with morgan and with morgan and sara, with our friends, our cousins, grandmothers, siblings, parents, aunts and uncles. this place was glenn's sanctuary and every where we turn it has his fucking smile. 

first thing first, the girls hopped out of the car (car sick as ever) and asked when we could get on the boat...todd was 20 minutes away...thank god, because i definitely was not getting behind that wheel today. typical in arrowhead fashion, the battery on the boat was DEAD - just like glenn. but lake assist rescued us and we told don to bill glenn.

once todd got us out of the slip (and let me add that he did it without crashing), the four girls (morgan, sara, maguire & jane) had huge smiles and we were off for the day.

• subway sandwiches
• swimming in the lake
• working on the boat
• runs to the market for hershey bars, mike n ikes and milano cookies
• scategories
• the golden family came over for a boat ride and visit
• beers, wine, balvenie and bacardi bahama mamas, and a sunset
• connie & ed prepared a beautiful bbq chicken dinner
• smores, phish food, peanut butter m&ms, dark chocolate cookies
• "the walk" with todd and agi.

i guess the saddest part of today is the harsh reality that glenn isn't here and arrowhead is just one more thing i'm mourning in my old life.

motherfucker.

sara's d'var torah

Well first of all... Hi and Shabbat Shalom, and thank you for spending this special day with me. Up until only a few months ago, it was easy for me to imagine a world that was only filled with blessings, although I knew that people suffered, it hardly affected me. But since the events of last January, I’ve learned that the real world is very different and that often we might feel cursed. 

As I was thinking about my Torah portion I found this quote by the philosopher Walter Anderson, he says that “bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself.” 
This quote relates so much to my Torah portion and my experience from the past few months of my life.  My perspective has changed so dramatically that I now understand much better, how our reaction to the bad things that happen in life define our character. 

My Torah portion is about the power of blessings and curses.  As you’ve heard, the main character, Balaam is a magician who is commanded to curse the Israelites by his king. However, every time he tries speak his curses, he is unable to get the words out and instead he is only able to speak words of blessing. Having tried so many times to curse them, Balaam finally figures out that God controls the words that come out of his mouth and that he will only be able to speak blessings. 

The quote by Walter Anderson relates to the story in the Torah because the quote says to live your life to the fullest, and I think that the story in the torah says that because God intervention helps Balaam live his life to the fullest as well.  Because of his words of blessing, we are telling his story thousands of years after it was written.  Our ancestors put stories like this in the Torah for a purpose.  While we can’t know for certain what that was, I think that this story teaches us important lessons for our own life. First of all I hope that none of us will ever be cursing anybody, but if we ever do we know now to think before we speak. 

In the Torah’s story, Balaam is unable to curse the Israelites through his words, they only experience blessings.  But we all know that few people can ever experience only blessings.  I suppose that even when you follow the rules bad things do happen, I mean it’s in the circle of life for crying out loud.  Sometimes I believe that if I do the right thing I might actually catch God’s attention, and make sure that not as many bad things do happen in my life. But, other times I don’t believe that God does hear and respond to your prayers because, well look at me:  did I do anything wrong to deserve any of this? And have we as a community done anything wrong to deserve this?  Maybe, it’s just that even if God doesn’t hear or respond to our prayers, prayer gets us moving and it keeps us hopeful for whatever we are praying for. 
Prayer also helps us shape our character it lets us know who we are by what we are praying for.  

If two people are praying next to each other and person A was praying for another person’s health, and person B was praying for another person to have something bad happen to them, which one of them do you think is a better person?  When I think about it more, I think that I’m in control of much of my own life but even if I do everything right, bad things still can happen.  But, I know that I usually feel good after I have done something great.  Maybe the story of Balaam is a wish of sorts:  if only God controlled the world so that only blessings happened.  

I have chosen to live my life in the most positive way possible. I have been loved by so many people and have created so many new friends from gymnastics, camp, the Academy, and school.   Without all of these activities, I probably wouldn’t have been as close with my cuzzies, camp friends, the carpool gang, my awesome friends, my orchestra friends.  It’s there that I found the only guy I know who will tell me my future and act like a two year old in front of me, and the few friends that will hold my hand when I really need it.

Living in the most positive way is a choice that I have made not only for myself, but for my friends, family, and community too, just like God had made the choice by making it impossible for Balaam to say anything negative, because that is not only affecting Balaam, but affecting the Israelites as well.  Living in a positive way effects my peers too because when I am honest with them, I am honest with myself. 


This morning I thought to myself is this really going to happen, in just a few short hours I will be an adult of some sort, but the best part is that I get to celebrate with my friends and family! Speaking of friends and family, I would like to thank some of those people!
    
First off, thank you again for being here today to celebrate Jane and me on our B’not Mitzvah. I would like to thank Rabbis Herscher and Stern for working with me and to help me connect more with this D’var Torah, Jacklyn for helping me get out all of my laughs and spaz attacks, for taking me to mani/pedis, for the balloon that is still there to this day, for mi yeki menu, and mostly for making today as easy as it could possibly be. I would also like to thank Canter Fortman for being here today.


To all of you grandparents, thank you all for motivating me and getting me here today!
Mommy, thank you for everything, I know you love my foot massages, and they will keep on coming, I love when you make me laugh, and I love that I will always be able to count on you, I love you to the moon and back. 


Morgan, you are the best sister in the entire galaxy, I love flying both like an airplane and like a real flyer with you, I love making you laugh with my stupid words, for example, my 5th grade essay, I love when you make me laugh, especially with your Harry Potter wait no not anymore now its you Dr.Who pintrest jokes, thank you for being there for me, I love being your dear big sister, I love you! 


Aunty and Uncle Ricky, thank you so so so so much for helping my mommy plan today! I love you both!


Jane, you are a FANTABULOUS cuzzie, remember when we ate yellow snow when we were three that was funny, I love going to Lake Arrowhead with you, I love shopping with you on Black Friday, now we know how to shop for real, I love holding and hugging you and being with you, and thank you for doing this B’not Mitzvah with me, you made it much easier for me. I love you so much! 


Maguire, thank you for being with me through these hard times, and thanks for playing the Uke with me, I love you. 


And thank you to my friends and family from everywhere and thank you to my community. Shabbat Shalom!

    

fulfilled

today was fulfilling.
we spent time with our friends who traveled from across the country to be with us this past weekend.
hugs that we shared brought back strong memories of january; i was so comforted then and again today.

going to circuit works 7a with a big crew of folks!

we made it

sara and jane were brilliant today.
we are all exhausted and relieved that the day is over.
sara said that the day and party exceeded all expectations.
i'm so proud.
the cooper girls will continue to take steps forward.

shabbat

sara and jane, jane and sara - they were so happy and excited tonight. that in itself is all i really need to get me through tomorrow.

this song is spot on.

2 days until

the big day is almost here. connie & ed, julie & matthew are here. 
todd and i met with rabbiH - the conversations there continue to circle around glenn having such an enormous presence in our lives still. we both are working hard to try and make glenn smaller. time will hopefully be our friend there.
my mantra these next few days is "sara".

my heart is beating fast and i'm working out extra hard to slow it down; i'm shivering, but i'm not cold, and i'm working on my breaths to neutralize the body shakes. not to mention adavan and wine which will help me along as well.

circuit works 7a for friday.

wtf?

lately i've been wondering who i was before i met glenn...

bat mitzvah plans are in action. jane & sara are practicing their hebrew together, i'm still plugging away at my speech, did a double workout today, thank god! friends are coming into town tomorrow.

morgan surprised me with a pre-bat mitzvah gift -- my very own WTF? ink stamp - she is just like her dad with the little surprise gift and tiny note. i love it. watch out cuz i might stamp you with this!

i'll be at circuit works at 7a

i wish

i could tell glenn to fuck off.

soulcycle 7a ride with mb! 

trust

I struggle with trust - not sure who or what I can trust anymore. And, now as the bat mitzvah is just days away I find myself wrestling with trust even more. My whole world feels unstable and I am feeling scared...scared that something bad is going to happen to us. Not paranoid, but so unsure. On top of this, I am easily startled and very sensitive to noise.

Continuing to work on my speech to Sara, I find that I want to say something like Daddy is watching over us, but I'm not even sure I believe that and I can't trust those words.

Bonus time tonight with the Light Rake and Sokol families!!

Taking a run tomorrow at 7a in the neighborhood. It will be a good change for me.

two more firsts

sara's birthday and father's day -- all day long without glenn.we started this sunday with a birthday morning celebration a la sara/glenn cooper style featuring breakfast (morgan and i made her pink chocolate chip waffles) in the jacuzzi. friends and family stopped by to give sara happy birthday wishes. one of her besties decorated our front yard with birthday balloons and rose petals! the bday girl loves her birthday and relished in the attention and happiness. i sensed solemn moments for her today, but even in this big pile of shit, she was able to seek out smiles and laughter. thank god.morgan mainly focused her energies on her sister today. and after a long day of sun, hot tub and an extraordinary amount of sweeties, morgan let go a bit and cried on todd's shoulder.the three of us, without making any serious plans, looked ahead to next year - we discussed maybe observing two mother's day : ) good for me! but, hmmm...we'll see.perhaps the anticipation of today was worse or maybe we were mentally prepared for what this day would look like, regardless, it was a long day without glenn. and that is just the way it is.  

tomorrow is a new day with so much to do. going to Circuit Works at 7a.

the night before sara's 13th birthday, june 16

what can i say except that tomorrow will be one more first in the book of the year my husband/their daddy died. it is difficult at this point in the timeline of it all not to think of glenn - it feels like everything relates to him. i'm seriously working on making glenn less big, but as my family heads into these next few weeks, it is inevitable - glenn is just on our minds.

festivities are planned, and the birthday girl is sleeping next to me tonight...happy to have her.

there is nothing like...

Neal Patrick Harris! wow, he sure put a smile on our faces tonight. yah, we were a little late to the tony party, but we made it! lots of shows we haven't seen and want to see (matilda, pippin, kinky boots).

it has been a trying week. and while there has been much to celebrate - finals are over and summer is here - there have been growing pains for each of the cooper girls (me included). for me, it's becoming more and more apparent what i want for our lives - i'm starting to see the who and the what a little bit. it's fluid and i suspect it will be just that.

meeting stephanie at yogahop 7a tomorrow.

thursday reflection

morgan, sara and i trekked up to stephen s wise for sara's final meeting with rabbi stern. i think her speech is pretty much ready, except for a few minor edits...although i only know this from listening to the two of them discuss.  stern was full of praise of sara today. she really amazes me...so strong...so smart and so present in all of her emotions. 

while up at temple we also got to see the memorial plaque we purchased in Glenn's name that will be hung in the main sanctuary on the memorial wall (in time for sara's bat mitzvah). seeing his name stung. it hit hard in my heart. as i held the plaque in my hands, i stared down at GLENN HOWARD COOPER January 3, 2013, the tears ran down my face and the three of us held onto each other, and cried.

lately i walk around in a state of duality - okay vs soooo not okay. it is very confusing to me. i've been desperately trying to heal these polar opposites.  i am certain that when i give the most sad, most scared, most angry and most insecure Sheryl the space to feel all of that, then i know i am taking care of her. the reality is the reality. i sleep alone and wake alone, and that is just that. i don't need someone else's solution or way, i have to navigate this one on my own.

friday workout: CW 7a!

in therapy

i continue to work. this week i talked about loss - the loss of multiple people in my life. here today i stand alone - parenting, taking care of my mother, and taking care of myself. yes, i have this amazing community, but it is just me alone in the middle of the night, insecure in the dark....it is just me.

but i forge on.

we met with the DJ tonight (jen, brinley and i enjoyed a few glasses of white wine beforehand). sara and jane went through their favorite songs and dances. the girls are so so so excited.

summer schedule is on - 7a circuit works

i'm not okay

this is probably the most miserable time in my life ever. 

meeting up with beth & her dad at SC 7a.

thanks a lot glenn

for the bill i got today from the los angeles coroner's office for schlepping you.

ps - morgan is done with finals, and we celebrated by spinning together at soulcycle tonight. it was so good sweating it out next to her. the take away message was that choosing to exercise and challenging yourself on a monday sets the pace for this week. awesome. i took her to juice crafters for dinner where we spent some time sharing what's been going on other than school and work.

mothers

it's all too often that my mom and i get "into it", are at each other's throat, and do that dance we've been doing for 40+ years. 
today i called her back while in the car with morgan & sara. naturally, we were "at it" and the girls could clearly hear the back and forth snark between their mother and grammy. after getting off the call, i turned to them pleading that they never talk that way to me (insert chuckle here). my snarky teenager turned to me and said "as long as you don't talk that way to us, we won't talk that way to you."
touche!

monday workout: soulcycle 5:30pm with MORGAN!! a gift for finishing finals (latin is her last one tomorrow morning).

a kiss

in my dream last night with someone i didn't know...

faith

it was a beautiful, warm and intimate simcha for jilly mirkin and her family, as she became a bat mitzvah this afternoon. and, our family felt so honored to be a part of it; i loved hanging with the mirkin, rigberg, and horton (morgan for sure wants to babysit ruby) families. 
during the service, which was set in a peaceful outdoor synagogue at the jewish sleepaway camp hess kramer, rabbi stan levy discussed faith. he specifically relayed the story of when the jews fled egypt - trusting that they would cross the red sea unharmed and eventually find freedom. rabbi levy explained that the men packed last minute essentials (think matzo here), and the women brought along their tambourines, symbolizing hope, and reason for celebration. they sure had some faith! rabbi levy talked about leap of faith here. it wasn't obvious at all that the jewish people would make it to the other side. thank god for those musical instruments --foreshadowing achievement.
this tale spoke to my own heart today. i pulled out my phone to quickly jot some notes...
after a flawless torah reading by jilly, her family shared their wishes and dreams for her.  jeff, jilly's dad, put aside his prepared speech for his daughter to speak impromptu, and he, too, was moved by levy's punctuation on faith. he gave jilly some very poignant advice on living each day fully, seizing passion and having faith in whatever she does.
for me, the idea of faith leapt out at me. each day i face my own red sea of sorts. i'm so scared to bust out my "tambourine." it is in my "bag," i'm just not ready to give it a shake. faith for me right now feels so big. 
i had faith in my husband and in my marriage. my faith has changed and i'm trying to shift it towards me. deep down inside my heart, i have faith that i, too, will ultimately make it to the other side.

jilly, sara and the girls are sleeping at hess kramer tonight. it looked like they all had such fun.
sunday workout: kinetic 9a (yay for me to "sleep in" a little and relax while watching cbs sunday am (one of my favorite shows that glenn used to tolerate : )

the lockdown

today's all santa monica schools lockdown was just another reminder how life changes so instantaneously.
i learned the news as we were leaving the harvard westlake graduation.
in those first few moments i felt panic, and so far away from sara. luckily sara communicated with us via iphone that she was safe and okay. my heart ached thinking about friends who work on the SMC campus.
i so badly wanted to call glenn to give him the "you are on the lockdown" directive while morgan and i were in the valley celebrating em's graduation. but again today's chain of events brought up the stark reminder that i'm it, solo.
and it isn't fair.
as i shut down the day, turn off the tv news, close down this computer, i am thankful that both girls are home safe and sound.
saturday workout: 8a CW -- summer schedule! 

highs and lows

after a low week, i'm eager for the next "high." 
without the sun here in santa monica, regular life has me feeling rather blah. the tears have been flowing since monday. and, through it all i've been seizing any and all LOL opportunities (with sara and todd, in particular).

so as i continue to mop up my sadness, i'm very much looking forward to happy celebrations all weekend long (they are quite the distraction):

morgan and i will proudly attend emmy's high school graduation. she is the first one of the cuzzies pioneering life after high school and heading to college! the girls have always looked up to her in a similar way my sister and i looked to her mom (and still do!! heart heart). 
i'm volunteering as a chaperone, along with my posse of 7th grade moms, at the 8th grade dance...hoping for no drama, but fodder for chit chat.
the girls and i are gratefully going to jilly's bat mitzvah.
we will continue to celebrate emmy on sunday
and, the geismans arrive sunday night, which means summer and the bat mitzvah are here.

dinner tonight: tacos (sara's favorite)
friday workout: circuit works @5:30am 

different

today was unexpectedly emotional.

i don't know what particularly sparked the tears - perhaps it was the vulnerability of leaning back in the dentist's chair or maybe it was when donna (my hygienist who i actually love) asked me how i was feeling followed up with "are you feeling better?". i answered politely, but didn't really address her questions. i know her intentions were good; she has known us for years.

what i wanted to say to her, but couldn't because her tools were in my mouth scraping my teeth, was - feeling better? ummm....not really at all. no, i'm not better. i'm different. i am changing. i'm not really sure who i am becoming.

and i'm still torn up inside and bleeding and in pain. 

while she worked in my mouth, tears streamed down my face. she comforted me by patting my shoulder every now and then...and in hygienist fashion told me to brush my gums a little better for next time. 

i left the dentist's office with teary eyes, a new toothbrush and no cavities.

ready to go

sara is ready. 

she had her last session with jaclyn today - who btw is AWESOME and days away from her wedding!! she gave sara the nod - ready to go. i think sara is fine tuning her d'var torah and she has officially banned me from getting near it. not sure if she just doesn't want my editor eyeballs on it or there is a special surprise for me (bah ha!).

makeup and hair appointments are booked...not sure how i'm feeling about the makeup of it all. i have not worn makeup since the dreadful third of january. i guess i'll just see how i'm feeling that morning...kinda how i'm living my life right now.  one day at a time. all i can fucking say is thank god for photo shop!!

started to think about my speech and what i want to say to sara. i have made a bunch of notes, even cried - with pride, not with sadness. 

i don't want this day to be shadowed by glenn. but i am so missing him this week. soooo much.

wednesday workout: burn60 at 5:45a with my gals and kinetic spin at 5:30p with hollye.

what i still struggle with inside

disbelief
loneliness
being one not two 
the urge to share a walk with Glenn
deep painful missing 

meeting beth & jay tomorrow at 9:15am yogahop

sunday night blues

fucking LOVE SONGS ON THE KOST - why did i torture myself? why?

but, thank god for dinner with my friends tonight and ralph's cupcakes.

circuit works 5:30a is calling my name tomorrow.

the joy of feeling happy for someone

i absolutely loved seeing jackson in person tonight. what an incredible 24 hours he had!
it gives me such hope for my own happiness that my heart was full for him (and his parents and sister too).

did not workout this morning - i had every intention but dumb me didn't realize circuit works is in summer hours. the first class began at 8a, not 7a. so, i went back home, poured another cup of coffee and got back into bed with agi.
i have confirmed that tomorrow's circuit works class begins at 8a, and i will be there.