Glenn used to get angry with me, when I described how that day was bittersweet. 10/22 was just 9 months after my dad died.
I forever explained to Glenn that the bitter was because my dad wasn't there, was because my mom's new life in a wheelchair was so depressing for her, and I couldn't fix her, and of course the family drama that ensued. All of this took a lot of the focus from the fantasy wedding I actually had I mind. (We always talked about renewing our wedding vows on our 20th...)
But, I also expressed how much sweet there was in that day for me and us:
I married my b'shert. I so remember looking into his eyes "knowing" we had a lifetime together ahead of us.
Hiding out during cocktail hour in the bridal suite devouring Glenn's favorite Casiano pigs in a blanket while having a quiet happy blissful moment as newlyweds...with Grandma Ann. Yah, she was our stowaway for those intimate moments.
The sweet was that Emily Rose Persky was born just a few weeks prior, and Cindy walked down the aisle with us as part of our wedding.
The sweet was my Uncle Ricky escorting me down the aisle, and that he said yes to that huge task even before his own daughters would be married.
The sweet was seeing Glenn see me that first moment in my wedding gown.
The sweet of sitting at our own table and holding hands, knowing we would be on a plane in a few short hours heading to the British Virgin Isles.
The sweetness of schmearing wedding cake on each other's faces.
The sweet of dancing late into the night with Connie and Donald and Matt and Carin and Stacy and Dr Jay, and Julie, and 4005 and Penn, and the Australia group, and Alonim friends and family, the Harvard guys, and Westlake girls, newlywedded friends and our cousins and family.
During my workout this morning I spent a lot of time running uphill on that treadmill imagining all the destructive things I could do with memories from our wedding. I remembered I still have a box of photo proofs.
This afternoon, I took one of the photos and cut it up.
As I began to put that picture back together like a puzzle, it made me think of the glass Glenn stepped on and shattered under the chuppah, which was my father's tallis..The glass breaking for me represents the fragility of human relationships; and a reminder that marriage changes the lives of individuals forever. And, ultimately cutting up or "tearing" up that photo gave me pause to think of the black torn mourner's ribbon that the girls and I wore on January 3rd.
My marriage is changed forever. I am changed forever.
So today, I felt it all. I honored all of my feelings. Bitter, sweet, sad and anger. All at once. All day long. I found that when I said aloud that today is my anniversary, the tears rushed so quickly.
My sweet Sara checked in on me after school with "How did you do today mommy?"
There was the awesome and sweet dj-ing Morgan did while I prepped dinner and she did homework.
The abundance of scotchmallows. The all day check-ins and music videos, calls to and from Paris, and dinner with our best man (and his best lady!).
I survived another first.
And my hair looks fucking good. color and cut was just what I needed today.
Going to Burn60 with Beth in la manana.
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