private unveiling

in my commitment to living and taking care of our daughters, i decided it was best to have a private unveiling for the three of us. 
a few weeks ago, on a glorious sunday - the weather was beautiful, the sky was clear blue and the air was crisp.  
the three of us trekked to hillside to glenn's grave. i made arrangements with hillside prior to this visit. the girls and i chatted while walking up that little hill sharing memories of the funeral. who we remembered seeing. how we felt. and how scared we were that day. 
the hillside burial crew met us there and revealed the glenn h cooper gravestone. and then left us for awhile to be alone. 
i wrapped my arms around morgan and sara, pulling them in tight and reminding them how much they are loved. 
we all cried. and someone made a funny (can't even remember who or what), but while the tears streamed down our faces, we were giggling. 
we had talked about writing daddy a letter and burying the letter under the marker. i ran back to the car to grab the paper and pen. when i returned and while walking up that little hill, morgan and sara were embracing one another. crying.
i stopped just to watch and take that in. i want to remember how much they have been there for each other this past year. their sister relationship has been changed forever.
more hugs and kisses later, i reminded them that if they want to write their own letter, it might feel good. it might feel safe. and that perhaps they need to tell daddy something and just know that in their minds they can always see where their letters have been tucked away.
i wrote mine (which i will read at the public unveiling tomorrow).
morgan wrote one, and then sara decided to write one too.
we each held our letters (written on notebook paper, no less), and morgan first shared that she doesn't think daddy's spirit is at the cemetary. sara listened on - i could see that she was trying to figure out what she thought about all of this.
i read to them what i wrote to glenn.
sara let us read hers.
and morgan, well, while it was difficult for her to even speak, she just said "daddy knows what i need to say to him and i don't need to share that with anyone else." 
sara and i hugged her. 
i saw the struggle in her heart that day. and, the anger. 

soulcycle 7a.

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