WTF

it's been that kind of day.
but i certainly enjoyed these gifts!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXYZttxunPw&feature=em-share_video_user (cannot upload video/cut & paste)


AND

it's my day off from working out, but walking with alisonk tomorrow.

dinner and a movie

tonight morgan, sara and i watched THE PROPOSAL
we giggled
we cried
we had hope

going back to Circuit Works for tomorrow's 5:30am class.

sunshine

an afternoon soulcycle class (ditched CW for Soul today)

sara feeling better and making it through a full day at gymnastics

morgan volunteering at the freedom school

new carpool/driving resources to help me out this week (thanks to sami, sydney & robyn)

music

chocolate cookies from greece (thanks connie&ed)

making maguire smile (and sara too)

preview pix from DA season 4

santa monica sun (finally. the gray skies were making me cranky)

5:30a Circuit Works tomorrow 

single

learning to be creative as i forge ahead as a new single mom. 
both girls need to be at different places but at the same time each day this week.
i think i have it covered through wed. and, i'm sure i'll figure something out thurs & fri.
going to do what the three of us need most and that is to be as calm as possible (ha!).
so...if one of us is late, or early, or...well, we don't make it "there" - then so be it. 
i've had to switch my morning workouts to evenings this week - just staying fluid. most likely, i'll be at the 5:30p CW class Monday, unless i can swing an earlier class somewhere.

on another note, the three cooper gals went to see chicago at the bowl tonight, picnic and all. ashlee simpson as roxie, samantha barks as velma, stephen moyer as billy flynn -- it was a good time together.

storage

i completed one of my summer projects - to clean out the two storage units in our backyard. check! done!  i thought i would just find old baby gear...but among the pile of old crap (that is now in a big pile for trash pick up this week), i found a bin full of photos and more love letters from glenn to me. 
both morgan and sara had plans this afternoon, so i sat down with the box and read those letters, looked into the eyes of the glenn i was falling in love with in 1989 and wept. 
even in our early days, he knew he loved me. and, i him. 
his words, and ideas took my breath away. 
glenn underestimated himself as a writer, for as long as i knew him he was self-critical about anything he wrote. and as much as i told him that i thought he was a profound and honest writer, he couldn't take it in. 
i'm still in love with him. will that ever go away? i hope my heart holds a special place for him forever.
working out at circuit works on sunday with Juan, and Stacy!

naughty

we were all feeling a little mischievous today...
one of our favorite songs!

ran and swam today.
yoga tomorrow.

Unexpected widow

"Many women will face widowhood as they age, since men generally marry younger women, and women live on average seven years longer than men. 
Today 11% of American women are widows. 
At age 65, 36% of women have had their husbands pass away, and there are four widowed women for every one widowed man. 
Over the age of 65, more than half of the women in the United States have lost their partners.
Yet, while many of us are - at least intellectually, if not emotionally -- prepared to lose our husbands when we reach old age, few of us anticipate losing a partner when we are still in middle age. For women who must confront the tragedy of becoming widows when they are in their 40s and 50s, the loss can prove especially difficult. Many of these women struggle to resume their lives after the deaths of their husbands, particularly if they have young children. Yet while it is true that some women never fully recuperate from the profound grief of losing their partners, other women manage to go on and even flourish." 


-Sarah Brokaw - Fortytude

busy

sara goes back to gym tomorrow, and morgan, who already has 2 cheer practices under her belt, will continue studying world history.

i am planning and working hard at making Glenn's office mine and Todd's. 

girls are definitely homesick for camp. reunions are being planned.

i finished watching scandal's episode 22 of season 2...SIGH..not sure i can make it 'til "Fall 2013".

taking thursday off from working out.

oxygen mask

every day i have to remind myself to put the oxygen mask on myself first before i do anything for anyone else. this has always been my biggest struggle. but since january the girls and i landed in a new world, where we needed to choose ourselves first. glenn did.

heading to CW 7a on wednesday.

camp catch up

picked up the girls yesterday...so special that dana joined us. it was excellent to have another set of hands shlepping the bins, bags and crap into the car.

morgan & sara are so great. had great summers. seem so content. they both came home with the normal camp sick (coughing and stuffy noses).

usually i spend the day doing their laundry, but yesterday, i said fuck it. put all of the dirties in the laundry room and i let karla do it today. so yesterday, i hung out with the girls, listened to their stories, watched them do israeli dancing, looked at their photos, and smiled at how beautiful they are inside and out.

sara had a tougher time coming back to this newish reality. she had a glazed over face for most of the day. but she is starting to come alive again. she ate her favorite ramen for dinner (maybe that helped her?). sara shared some of the amazing programs that her chalutzim counselors led her group in - and she was able to tell me every detail of what and how she felt during the programs. her memory for detail fascinates me. i was so impressed with how she handled certain typical "13" year old situations, how her best camp friends showed up for her in a real way and that she was able to let it all go and be her natural silly self. and, she is "bunking" with me tonight.

morgan has gained such insight to herself and her peers. what she is able to articulate at 15 1/2 years old is incredible. how she is able to process her feelings and those around her is extraordinary for a young woman. she has had to grow up so much this year because of losing her dad. we all have a story, and i am witnessing how she is building hers. it is an honor.

one of the best parts of camp catch up with the girls has been the "you went to camp with 'so and so's parents" omg. they are in awe of how much camp is still a big part of my life. it was amazing to see such friendly & comforting faces in front of the girls head cottage yesterday. i love that i still feel so close to these people, even though we don't see each other or spend time with each other daily or weekly. renee & bev, deb & benj, jonathan & sheryl, aliciaz, jeff & marin, tarlow, and so many more.

i'll be in spin at kinetic tomorrow a.m. with hollye, dr jay & our favorite CW trainer rachel! bring it.

pedicure

yesterday while getting a pedi (OPI No Spain, No Gain) with beth, the gal who was doing my toes asked me (as she does every time), do you want your calluses removed. and once again, I replied no. and, each time, i try to explain that those calluses are there for a reason -- to protect my skin or toes, my heels from blisters when i run/workout. they are a good thing. 

when one of the cooper properties' real estate deals went awry (i'm being easy here) almost 10 yrs ago it was just after our 10 year wedding anniversary. it was in early november. we returned home from a special anniversary trip in new hampshire + maine.  and, pretty much the next day glenn told me about this business disaster. we were scared and it was complicated and had a lot of emotional impact on us, but mostly glenn. that next day we had our annual family holiday card photo session with michael brannigan (our amazing friend & photographer) at will rogers. glenn and i knew we had to put our best paparazzi smiles on. after shooting some of the sweetest candids of the girls, michael spontaneously pulled g + i together and took some of just us. i remember how scared we were of what this business complication might mean for us and our family. and with tears in our eyes, michael captured us at one of our most vulnerable moments during our marriage. 

two years ago, i pulled out that picture and framed it for my bedside. that moment (8 years later), I wanted, no I needed to remember that callus in our journey together..i needed to be reminded that we got through it. one day, glenn asked me why i framed that particular photo of us. i told him - so we don't forget that we have each other and that we got through it.


those calluses on the heels of my feet and on the sides of my big toe and pinky toes remind me daily of just that. everyday that i workout or run or spin, or play twister in yoga, it's often painful and tiring and hard. but the callused skin reminds me that i did it, that i can do it again, that i'm strong.

so, no, don't remove my fucking calluses.

still loving scandal...kept me up all night long and into the morning.
my babies are home -- more on that tomorrow.
7a circuit works is the plan for monday.

12 hours

The house is ready.
Welcome home gifts have been placed on each of their beds.
Refrigerator is stocked with their favorites (yep, turkey pepperonis!)
Dinner for tomorrow night is planned.
12 hours from now I will have the girls back home.
Our time apart was very much needed and like I wrote a few nights ago, I could actually use a few more days without them home.
I learned a lot about myself over these past few weeks. At Canyon Ranch I pushed my physical and spiritual limits. I took risks by walking gently into uncomfortable situations; sometimes those moments paid off and other times I felt more vulnerable. I learned that I like me, even with my life resume and baggage I carry around. The more honest I am, I stronger I feel. My life will never be normal, never go back to normal. 
It is now different, and changed, but never normal.
Our home is ready for whatever and however our individual lives will fill it over the summer and beyond.

scandal

my new favorite show sure makes me HOT & BOTHERED.

8a CW tomorrow.

amy's birthday

i really love my girlfriends. again, i've become even more grateful for their friendships, for providing me safe places to be myself and to share my most intimate thoughts. these girls are my home. thank you.
we celebrated amy's forty-something tonight. fun, chatty, sharing times together.

yoga at the annenberg beach house tomorrow with paula!

a little late

after such an exhausting tuesday and yesterday's double workout (which was awesome!), i packed it in early without writing.
i also got way caught up with scandel - i would love olivia pope to come fix my life.
have a lot on my plate today, but starting out spinning with brinley at soulcycle.

anxious

feeling anxious today - so much on my mind. i need to remind myself that i didn't ask for this new life. it was given to me, and i'm doing and working hard to make this life right for me and the girls. i'm only 44 and my husband, who i trusted and thought would be my life partner, is gone forever.  i have to protect the girls and myself first and foremost, because at the end of the day it is just the three of us.
thankfully by this evening, the anxiety tapered off.
spent dinner and the night with emmyP - loved hearing about her eurotrip (and we are only half way through).
she is doing the double workout in the morning (burn & yogahop) with me and beth!
saw grandma bea today, and she shared the best letter of the summer from saraCooper:

connie & ed

what an incredible visit i (we) had with connie & ed.
connie, my pi phi sister, college roommate, dance partner, and friend for life, flew back to DC today with ed, my new favorite workout partner and "brother". the three of us got along so well - cooking together (persian rice!), drinking, shopping, and hanging out. they are so easy to be with. but most important, they get me and the girls. there are no expectations, no conditions. just pure love and mutual respect.
i am grateful for the time i had with them this summer.

circuit works 7a tomorrow!

the girls

on the eve of connie & ed's departure, i'm thinking about the week to come. 
i actually don't mind being home alone. glenn and i often spent several days apart from each other while the girls were away at camp. he, in vegas with bruce stern playing in the world series of poker, me, in canyon ranch, he in denver and me in santa monica. 
i have lots of plans this week - in fact, i think i overbooked to compensate for any possibility of loneliness. but as i review the week ahead, i'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed by some of those plans. 
i just need to make sure that i have the downtime i need to restore.
i miss morgan and sara, but i know they are having an enormous time at alonim. and, as much as i miss them, i'm soooooooooo NOT ready for them to return home just yet. 
sent them awesome care packages, along with some of their other requests including the ukelele and cough drops and blankies (makes me smile).

dinner tonight was outstanding: connie's greek chicken, our crispy persian rice, veggies & greens and fruit from the farmers market, and wine!

have to be in the valley early tomorrow so i'm not sure what the workout plan is just yet -- i may swim in the a.m. or in the late afternoon. but something tomorrow for sure. burn60 did kick my ass today. yawn.

thanks to renee for the pic!

lazy saturday

yoga
coffee
brunch with our favorite newlyweds jaclyn & josh
montana ave stroll
people magazine
catnap
camp (the new rachel griffiths show)
connie's famous popcorn (it's one of my favorite foods ever!)
dinner - raisin bran & phish food + brief discussion on zimmerman verdict

entertainment tonight
elementary (lucy liu & jonny lee miller - what a TOTAL babe- that accent is super sexy)
i might try reading "ill eat you last - a chat with sue mengers" the play (thanks mr O!)
good night.

burning with paula & ed at burn60 tomorrow am. 

the beach

connie, ed and i went to visit joanne in manhattan beach. 

we walked the strand to hermosa beach and had lunch at martha's (eggs are always my favorite kind of lunch).

"looking out over the ocean" (glenn's famous last words to me) helped to clear my mind today. 

i find that as time passes (for the most part) i am feeling less murky. still there are times when everything looks cloudy. 

but the walk along the beach, the sunshine and fresh air did some good.

saturday 7a yogahop.

ps - cutie pie josh duhamel was in our brentwood CW class this a.m. 

old friend

Receiving Morgan's letter made me feel like I did months back when I knew the three of us were tucked into bed and the house was locked. Safe and sound.

The highlight from Morgan's letter: "We went on a beautiful night hike and got to the giant rock where we sat in complete silence and took in the nature...it was amazing."

Their letters remind me of how I feel about Alonim - an old friend. 

These past 2 weeks I have been focused on my friendships: old and new, near and far. 

circuit works 7a for friday.

a letter from camp

got a letter from saracooper today (yay!!) and i think these two sentences sum it all up for her: "Camp has been great! And, yes I do realize that it's only the second day!" 

swimming tomorrow with connie (yep!) and ed too! they better watch out - i just learned a whole new set of tricks at canyon ranch. 

home from the ranch

after 5 days of psycho exercising, loads of flax seed, and spiritual workouts, i feel like inside and out i am stronger than i was.

home from the ranch. home to reality. 

I am me

By Virginia Satir

In all the world there is no one exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine
Because I alone choose it - I own everything about me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice. All my actions
Whether they be to others or to myself - I own my fantasies
My dreams, my hopes, my fears - I own all my triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes.  Because I own all of
Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts - I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me and other
Aspects that I do not know - but as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me - however I
Look and sound whatever I say and do and whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically
Me - if later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that
Which I discarded- I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do
I have the tools to survive to be close to others, to be prod-
Uctive and to make sense and order out of the world of
People and things outside of me - I own me, and therefore
I can engineer me - I am me and
I AM OKAY

funny

this made us laugh last night 'til we fell asleep.

Serious Cycle

Day 3 began with a delicious breakfast: 1 mesquite flour pancake, 1 chicken sausage patty, watermelon & orange juice soaked bananas.
The gals and I made our way to spin, not just spin bitches, "serious" cycle. This ride led by instructor Patrick, who told us that he rode 16 miles on his bike to work this morning, kicked our asses. We rode for 82 minutes (#determined, #yougotthis, #painful, #ican'tdothis, #iwilldothis, #youdidit -- the ride sometimes reflects your life, that is what spin master Patrick said), followed by Core Conditioning (all abs all the time for 45 min) and then if that wasn't enough for Hol and I, yeah, we took Deep Water Pump swim class (think trying not to drown for 45 minutes).
Best class of the day: sitting by the pool after lunch.
Spa services continue to be superior -- the more massage the better...mud wrap and hot stone pedicure.

The ranch day 2

As we walked back to our room from dinner, lightening lit up the clouds behind the mountain range...a beautiful setting.
Here is how I spent the day:
Breakfast included 2 poached eggs, hot quinoa, fruit, a taste of banana bread and coffee.
Lunch was salad with balsamic dressing, chicken curry wrap, a taste of tomato-mozzarella pizza, wild berry ice tea and a taste of the berry-banana smoothie of the day.
Dinner started with salad bar (asparagus, cucumber), Jen and I shared the mushroom strudel and the sea bass, and we each had a vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce.
Workout classes:
Spin
Fitness First (think Jane Fonda)
Aqua Zumba (really!)
Abs Express
Vinyasa Yoga
Spa:
Scalp massage
Body scrub 

My sister asked me today how my trip has been so far. I gave the question some thought.  I answered - Pretty good. But I am not happy.

the ranch day 1

thank god i never had to share canyon ranch with glenn.

i arrived here today and this place is all MINE!

lunch: tomato soup, chicken kale salad, tomato/mozzarella baguette (we shared this three ways) and a side of pineapple

we took a pilates mat class, and then we headed into our first spa service of the trip. for me it was an 80-minute massage. my body definitely succumbed to relaxing, but i couldn't turn off my head. during the massage i reviewed january 2 & 3. trying to look into glenn's eyes in my memory. trying to hear any clue in his voice. i continue to wonder how of all people i didn't know what was going through his mind.

dinner, bingo and bed tonight.

fourth of july

this was never our holiday. in fact i think july 4th was an annual worst day of the year for us.
the day pretty much went like this...glenn and todd/jackson and kevin and grant and manny, etc left early to golf. wives and kids arrived later to the golf club for lunch, july 4th parade, swim races, bouncy house, games (bingo), dinner/dessert (bbq, mac n cheese, cheesey bread, banana cream pie, peanut butter cookies) music, hot chocolate and fireworks. 
for the record by noon (when we all arrived), these husbands were everything but sober and anything but useful. 
glenn, who in general scored pretty high for being one of those super helpful involved dads, was a complete piece of shit on this day.
he, along with his fellow dads, was insensitive, nasty, disgusting, immature, stinky, and arrogant (if i'm forgetting any other descriptives, girls, - please chime in!). we pretty much fought until the next day.

today, 7/4/13, a small group of us returned to the club for the annual festivities. todd celebrated his hole in one. we all toasted him (and missed glenn). 

sitting under the grand fireworks, i reflected...especially on the past. i turned to hollye and said, "i would do just about anything to have glenn be here tonight with us."

leaving for my home away from home tomorrow morning. as of tonight, i'm hoping to journal while i am out of town.

nap

i guess today i finally relaxed a little bit. even connie said i looked a little content. 
this afternoon, i went down for a short rest, which turned into a nap.
firstly, let me say that i don't and have never liked to nap. i do not like the feeling of waking up from a nap...i'm usually a little disoriented.
i think i slept for almost an hour, and when i woke up - i was confused where i was and what day it was.
in my mind i went through the logic - i am in morgan's bed, today is wednesday, girls are at camp (good reports so far from renee and deb, and pics are already up online), and oh my god, glenn is really gone. the heavy feeling in my heart and sick feeling in my gut brought me back to that day in january. 
it's been 6 months.

grateful that i got to see grot and olga twice. tonight we (grot, olga, jen, sinaiko, kristal, connie, ed) all went out for korean dinner and connie did an amazing job of ordering and making sure our tummies were happy. 

going for a neighborhood run/santa monica stairs on july 4th.

camp alonim 2013

morgan said it best today when explaining to someone about being at alonim -- "it's my home away from home." and later in the car ride she shared that camp really is her second home - her safe place to be herself, to cry, to laugh, to question, to think. i share the same sentiments, even when i return twice a year. the "old" friends i reunited today gave me both comfort knowing that they are still very present in my life, and that my daughters are blessed to have caring and loving people looking out for them these next 3 weeks.

ed is returning to circuit works with me - we're taking scott's class at 7a.

absence

glenn's absence today was profound.
obviously because of his birthday, but also because together we celebrated the eve of camp drop-off,  looking forward to being just sheryl & glenn for 3 weeks. i go to bed tonight with more firsts checked off the list.

morgan, sara and i each filled the day with things we needed to accomplish before camp: therapy, writing thank you notes, studying world history, swimming, last minute packing, cheer practice, etc. we all talked about it being daddy's birthday, and for sara, she "acknowledged it" but it was just another day. she is so excited to go to alonim and her excitement for life continues to be brilliant.
while morgan was packing she couldn't find her camera battery which caused much frustration for her, and when she and i took a pause in searching for it, she shared that the moment not only sucked because she couldn't find the battery, but also "because it is daddy's birthday." her tears were short-lived and i could tell the release helped her. minutes later sara came into morgan's room to help and the first place sara looked, she found it. i took off my crown today and named sara the new "queen of find." all of that brought a few smiles, and everyone was able to move about throughout the day.

dinner was exactly what the three girls (jane, too) ordered: carne asada! so we made a big taco bar which also included ground turkey meat, rice, beans, salad, corn, salsa, guac, chips, crunchy taco shells and flour tortillas. aunty andy brought diddy riese cookies, we busted out the favorite scotchmallows (thanks for jen schiff), and tastes of ciao bella's key lime graham squares (kudos to paula). 

ed and i are meeting hollye at the circuit works 7a class tomorrow.