saturday

relaxing 

day at the beach with the marsh family.

the ocean sparkled today, which was

restorative.

movie date with sara -- runaway bride, 

we are rom-com girls at heart.

"sleeping in" tomorrow! i hope i make it past 5:30a.

rough day

remember when i predicted darts were going to come flying at us?

they have arrived.

fortunately, my guard has never been down.

i don't like flying objects being thrown my way, however, i still feel that i have the inner strength to deal with them and ultimately do what is best for me and morgan and sara. 

i'm not going out of my way to make someone else's life easier than ours.

one day i hope we are thriving and not only surviving.

that being said....

spinning with hollye tomorrow.

lonely

for some many reasons.

hoping we all sleep better tonight.

5:30a at circuit works tomorrow. lots of fun people meeting up there.

Agi Cooper 12/11/00 - 8/28/13

This afternoon Agi hopefully met up with Glenn.
She was diagnosed with aggressive liver and pancreatic cancer.
The last few days she hadn't been eating regularly, and yesterday she showed severe weakness, and disorientation.
The girls and I rushed her to the pet ER yesterday, and she spent the night. Vets and staff took such good care of her, and took a myriad of tests. Today after speaking at length with our personal vet, and the hospital doctors, they all agreed that relieving Agi from suffering (thank goodness it was short-lived) was the best option. These cancers were uncurable and the possible treatment would be not very effective.
Every step of the way, Morgan, Sara and I discussed all of the what ifs and options. We made plans together, and ultimately executed them as a team.
My "people" were in place, and knew that I might need to call upon them if I happened to be alone in Agi's last hours.
Our good friend Brinley came with the three of us to the hospital - she actually committed to me back in February when I worried that I might be in this position one day. It was nice to have her there - she has a kind way of being sensitive, honest and funny all at the same time. Girls like chatting with her and while driving over there today, conversations about everything and anything were flying around the car.
With Starbucks no-coffee Frappuccino double chocolately chip ice blendeds in hand, the girls held their heads high, and we went to say goodbye to Agi.
Agi - the sweetest puppy ever wagged her tail when she saw us. We gave her lots of love, and she showered us back.  We told her to say hi to Daddy (I actually whispered in her ear to tell him what an asshole he is because he isn't here), and we all hoped they would go on a walk tonight together.
We said goodnight.

working out somewhere tomorrow early - but haven't decided where yet. but i'll be doing something.

yartzheit candle

i was at the grocery store.
out of habit, i reached for 1 yartzheit candle to  remember my dad and light on yom kippur. and, then (big pause) i realized i needed to bring home 2 candles.
that was the worst feeling ever.
i didn't buy the candles.

going to burn60 in the morning.

a quiet moment

other than my early workout, i don't feel like i often take the opportunity to "breathe" during the day. while i am very much aware at how quickly i get caught up in the schedule, the needs of the girls and the demands of the business, it doesn't stop me from going going going. (and, i know that i'm not alone!! - i am referring to all of my typeA people). 

i have two days in one. the first day is focused on work and errands (and a double workout if i can squeeze that in). the second day starts at 2p when i pick up the girls and basically shuttle, feed, support and help them in all ways possible.

tonight i pulled up to my home in my car before the samohi cheer pick-up at 6:40p, but after getting sara from school, downloading with her, sitting on a business conference call, making sara two dinners (one before gymnastics and one for afterwards), sitting in traffic en route to the gym, dropping sara off at gym, doing a full marketing to restock the kitchen for the week, and heading back home in traffic.

i forced my mind to quiet down. there was way too much chitter chatter in there. so, i sat. at first i had the radio on. then i turned to if off. the silence felt so good on my ears. what felt like 5 minutes was really only 2. 

the silence was welcoming.

going running in the a.m. 

done

someone i know who is going through some pretty rough times in his life said he just wants to be over it. he is "done." he wants to wake up tomorrow morning with all of the hard shit - the unexepected crying, the lash out anger, the guilt, the unexplained -- he so badly wants all of it to be behind him already.

i empathized with him today. 

there is only so much one person can take. and just when i begin to feel fortified, someone says something, i read something or i remember, and the vulnerability wants to take over in me. this is when i most hate my life. it is a total lack of control. and intellectually, i understand and am aware what is happening, but emotionally i feel like a child, and today felt helpless.

morgan and i met emmy, rach and MP at soul this morning - em leaves for michigan tomorrow a.m. and after class, the three of us all got lots of hugs and kisses in with her. i didn't dance today, but instead swam. had to take morgan & sara to staples for their beginning of the school year supply shopping trip (nightmare!).

going to CW at 5:45 tomorrow morning.

personal mission statement

tonight i had dinner with a friend who is working on revising the mission statement for his company.
the interesting part of all this is how he will go about it. 
he is enlisting help from his employees - the plan is to actually get them to write the core of it and he will eventually pull all of their ideas and words together in a cohesive format.  listening to him speak so passionately about the actual process inspired me.
perhaps i need to create a personal mission statement. it might just help me see the light at the end of the tunnel, create new life goals in this new world and ultimately explore what i want from this life as i know it today.
going to chew on this for awhile...

soulcycle and dance tomorrow! knowing that i have those two activities in front of me as i fall asleep, gives me extra peace. anxiety has been dangling over my head for too many days.

Kerry Washington quote

You and you alone are the only person who can live the life that can write the story that you were meant to tell.

- Kerry Washington

We all made it through the second day of school, and happy for the next two days off.
Yogahop tomorrow! 

good first days both girls.
there was a definitive lack of excitement especially compared to years in the past.
not sure if that is because one year older and more work,
or if they miss what life used to be.
in science sara's homework assignment was to create a timeline of her life so far highlighting personal life events and scientific news happenings. 2013: my dad died.

i continue to focus on all of the interesting and saucy distractions that help make me feel lighter:
- texting with my friends
- orange is the new black - my new favorite netflix show
- pinterest
- music - jayz, mumford & sons, cher lloyd, robin thicke

alarm is set. i'll be at the 5:30a circuit works class on friday...looking forward to reuniting with my early morning crew.

the night before

another first day of school.
everything is different.

4:50am

summer vacation is over...well just about.
girls go BTS on thursday.
beth & i are signed up for crazy liam's class tomorrow at 5:45am
just getting back into the swing one day early.

my plate is full. the weight is burdensome. but remembering that this "now" is temporary. 
i continue to be grateful to our family of friends who continue to stand by us and love us unconditionally. the phone calls, texts, gestures and supportive words truly help me, especially right now. as i prepare to face a new set of darts and daggers, i am consciously constructing a new fort for the three of us. seeking inspiration.

tswift

i was invited to go to the taylor swift concert tonight - as sara's guest, along with one of her besties, jilly. i'm sure i was only invited b/c i had access to a car. nonetheless, concert and company were stellar.

tay sang about love - her usual gig. but what struck me most was her depth of articulating all the different kinds of love we experience as humans -- from first loves to losing love. t-swizzle believes it is a cycle and at some point after loss there is a new beginning around the corner. it may seem obvious to the those who are secure in their own lives, but from my perspective, hope often feels out of reach. but swifty may have something here. i guess we'll see.

circuit works at 7a tomorrow. my last 7a class of the summer. and, by the way, the studio made some awesome new changes. i definitely got beat up today by rachel. 

you don't know

you don't know how i am feeling.
you don't know what i'm capable of.
you don't know that i'm okay.
you don't know that i'm able to "move on."
you don't have any idea "what has enabled"me and my girls "to move forward with our lives as well as possible."
you don't fucking know one thing.

7a circuit works for monday.

temporary

life is temporary. i'm discovering a new comfort in that ideology.

we make plans. we have moods. we feel feelings. and all of it is fleeting.

the pain and anger and sadness and grief and disappointments don't last forever, and today,

i'm thankful.

swimming and dancing tomorrow!

without glenn

tonight my cousin johnny told me glenn was happily married. i really needed to hear that today. 

i was so fucking angry at him this week...for leaving me with a pile of shit (that the girls and i didn't ask for) and people he obviously chose to opt out of.

i'm starting to see myself without him. for real. not a dream. but for real. and i'm in the process of figuring out who i am without him. and it is an interesting transition. there are parts of me that are familiar, and other parts that are completely foreign and new. 

not sure how i'm feeling about the growing new me.

national rum day was celebrated with dark & stormy cocktails tonight.

spinning with hollye at kinetic tomorrow morning.

bat mitzvah photos

i have not looked at them yet.
the disk sits there next to my computer and every day i look at it.
is today the day i'm going to upload the photos? i have been asking myself this question for over a week now.
i was sharing these thoughts with my friend julie today.
she said she understands why i am hesitant to look at the bat mitzvah - perhaps they will emphasize the absence of glenn again.
i think she is right.

fun at the pier tonight - picnicking on the beach, chatting with friends, drinking wine and, listening to live music --

back to circuit works tomorrow at 7a.

win 5-4

august 2012 - the last dodger game we went to as a family. 
12 innings highlighted by ethier, puig, gonzales, marmol, paco, ellis
5 celebrities (that i can remember) at the game: robin thicke, kanye, pat sajak, george lopez, bradley steven perry ("gabe" from good luck charlie - sara and mia picked him right out of the crowd)
7th inning stretch was emotional 
5 dodger dogs (among 4 people)
3 churros
90-ish minutes in travel time from santa monica to dodger stadium
20 minutes back to santa monica at 12am
1 person missing...glenn

7am circuit works - in 6 hours.

outside v inside

while i have been struggling with some vulnerability these past few days, i am working hard to get myself through it.
today i went back to back exercising - used both classes to help me feel strong (physically) even though i wasn't feeling it on the inside. 
so while that didn't totally reconcile my feelings, i am now trying to accept and honor the fucking process (read #intolerant #impatient #OverIt #annoyed #SIGH).
today my fingertips reached out to my favorite past time - searching music & music videos on youtube (seeking messages).

here is what i found:

and this one...

and one more...

making one more "scary" call of the day, off to group therapy and back home with sara and her friend.
yogahop tomorrow morning!

guarded

the change doesn't seem to stop.
i've been pretty open to accepting that change is now a part of our lives, of this particular year and of years to come.
but today...no...i'm not feeling open to it at all.
the trust i have been recently feeling is not there...today.
i'm not sure what exactly is propelling this. a number of incidences, words, actions around me.
i don't like it at all.
i don't have to take it either.
but i'm going to continue to move my feet forward. just a little more guarded than recent.

circuit works at 7a and spinning at 9:30a.

waiting for sara on a sunday night

sunday --
exercised
danced
connected
absorbed
indulged in house of cards
read
wrote
reviewed
now waiting.

going to swim on monday. 

friendships

i reunited with elizabeth today. happy that we could spend the time together this morning. our friendship is very special to me. we have an unconditional bond, which feeds my soul. anytime that we are together, i always seem to walk away with such food for thought. so that being said.....the majority of my afternoon was spent inside my head. thinking and analyzing. observing and acknowledging. dreaming and fantasizing. 

morgan, dana & i had a saturday GNO. so fun. all topics were covered: boys, work, school, + life in general. it makes me feel good that morgan is comfortable hanging with my gal pals, and that they like her too.

circuit works at 8a and dance it out with tor at 11:30a (morgan + i are meeting paula!). i'm really excited to do the dance class with morgan.

if only

it's hard not to think about the "if onlys." 8 months later, 5 years later, 10, 20...it is hard to imagine a time when i won't think - if only i had known glenn was in so much pain, what kind of hell he was living in.  maybe i could have helped him, could have changed what he was going to do...if only i knew. if only i could have. 
there are days when i feel like i have to forgive myself for not knowing what he was feeling.
today was one of those days.
taking yoga at 7a tomorrow.

morgan is home

rah rah! she and her team kicked butt at cheer camp. it was a great afternoon catching up with her and absorbing her energy and excitement for the team's upcoming year, but mostly just looking at her and listening to her made my night.

going running tomorrow...and maybe a swim, too.

once upon a time

i met glenn cooper. and i fell in love. he fell in love back. 
i miss him.

epic workout day - started at burn60 this morning with beth, learned all about gyrotonic exercise with barbara, and kicked ass at soul tonight with cole. haven't yet committed to tomorrow's workout -- thinking circuit works or nada.

looks like the girls are doing well (#winning) at cheer camp.

suicide

that word. that stigma. that desperate lonely act. 
the facts are there.
i will forever be a survivor of glenn's suicide.
it was his act. his exit.
but, i will live side by side with it, and for now, i am choosing that.
it is an honest expression. i don't feel like a victim, just living with the facts.

wednesday -- burn60 7a and soul 6:30p

instincts...

always good when i trust them.

heading to circuit works in the a.m.

greetings...

from Sara in Maui, thanks to Maguire and The Grayson clan.

morgan and the viking cheer team are off to cheer camp tomorrow morning. the team looked solid and god, these girls know how to shake it!!!

taking tomorrow off from working out. this morning started at circuit works (stacy & carol were running next to me) and at 11:30a i "danced it out" with tor & paula for a solid 60 minutes with choreography, sweat, kick ass music and amazing energy. taking the girls with me next week!

3:38am

this past week was a trying one. i felt the burden of being the only parent in our family. i also felt the burden of glenn's memory. 
after all of the week's commitments and responsibilities, while i was waiting for morgan to finish up at cheer practice, i layed down to rest. i fell into a pretty deep catnap, which i think helped to clear my mind of the chaos. my mind seems to be constantly working and examining myself, trying to figure "it" or what this life is all about. i'm hopeful i will sleep peacefully tonight because over the last several days my mornings each began at 3:38am (not because of an alarm clock).

heading to juan's class at circuit works tomorrow at 8a - hoping i'll see some of my friends there.

going through this process of losing glenn (in such a disturbing and devastating way), is giving me a new perspective on myself.

while i knew on some level before january third that i am self-reliant, i've gained a different awareness. i am learning to rely on myself to show up for myself with a much deeper and a more vast understanding of who i can be for me. it's these inner pom poms that i feel like i've had my whole life. i know that i have not in any way reached the potential, but at the end of each day i just know i have the capability of being there for myself.

kinetic spin 9am for sat's workout

searching

i am searching for peace -- peace of mind.

friday's workout -- 5:30a Circuit Works